Eating Cupcakes the Way God Intended

Alright, I'm sure you think you know how to eat a cupcake but you're probably over-thinking it. None of this break it in half and make an Oreo out of it (just eat an Oreo, why don't you?) and no more, please, of this ridiculous trend of licking all the frosting off and throwing the rest away. What are you, six?

When you grab a cupcake it's usually because you're hungry enough to eat it. Now, let's get a few ground rules straight. First, the frosting will always be the best part of the cuppedcake. If the frosting is not the best part you either have a great stump (or pumpkin, depending on what you want to call the baked portion of the treat; I prefer 'pumpkin') or you have some rotten frosting. Second, the wrapper is no longer edible. When you graduated first grade you were forever banned from the following three things: (1) wetting your pants without being embarrassed, (2) threatening a friend by claiming you will not invite him to your birthday party, and (3) eating the wrapper of a cupcake.

So, here we go.

1. Take the wrapper off (don't throw it away yet, it's a perfectly good plate for your miniature cake).
2. Break the pumpkin (the stump, the cake, the baked part) in half (usually a nice twist-and-pull motion works best but I've seen the tear successful by some truly talented cupcake eaters).
3. Alright (by the way, you need milk; these are baked goods after all) eat the bottom portion of your pumpkin with a nice slosh of milk. Imagine it's a soft cookie or maybe a muffin if you're into that type of thing. (The break should be strategically placed with two things in mind: (1) you want to maximize the experience of eating the top half but minimize the experience of eating nothing but the stump, also (2) you're going to want to make sure whatever of the top half is still left is going to fit in your mouth easy enough so you don't look like a Burmese python trying to swallow an entire water buffalo.)
4. Shake off the fact that you just ate stump without frosting.
5. Prepare your stomach and gullet for the perfect ratio of stump to frosting.
6. Make sure everyone (or no one) is looking.
7. Cram the rest of that baked goodness into your face. If you find that you cannot breathe just accept the fact that you will die doing what you love: Eating cupcakes the way God intended.